That's what I was feeling.
You see, I had just been thinking earlier in the day that God was teaching me something through this. At that time I wasn't aware of his objective for the lesson. Objective now duly noted.
My current season in life is marked by incredible difficulty with my child. I'm talking the kind of difficulty in which I question my decision to become a mother. The type of difficulty in which I do not currently enjoy my role as a mom or enjoy spending time with my child. (Condemnation, harsh criticism, and judgement aside, please). I LOVE my child. Adore him. Am blessed to have him. However, all of that doesn't make my job any easier right now.
My heart is broken. My head is spinning. My body is tired. My resolve is gone. My patience is worn thin. I spend my days fretting. Worrying. What-if-ing. I'm scared that the present behavior problems may get worse. What if he never stops doing _____________? Could he end up in jail when he gets older? What further issues could he have? Rational or not, these are my thoughts and concerns.
But, is this worrying going to change the outcome of my son's life? Simple answer...No. I am consumed with the future when I need to be present in the present. I am forgetting that my God is big. I am ignoring the fact that my life, and his little life are in God's hands. I am refusing to seek counsel from the very place I want counsel. I am trying to stand on my own two feet and my own understanding. I am discounting that I cannot do this parenting thing without help from my Savior. I am neglecting to remember that God put this child in my care for a purpose. I am not acknowledging that this child, my child, is God's baby, too. I have disregarded the promises of His word that say,
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:27)
For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. (Isaiah 44:3)
But when He had set me apart before I was born...and had called me through His grace. (Galatians 1:15)
As I take heart in knowing that God is in charge, that God is my helper, that God is my strength and my shield, I am turning these matters over to Him. I will lay hands on my son and lift him up in prayer...constantly. I will seek peace, guidance, and wisdom from my King. I will walk in His grace knowing that my future, and my son's, belong to Him.
I hear God saying, Worry not, my child. I love you.
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You are SO STRONG! I think any mother who can be truly honest with themselves and others knows just what you mean about not wanting to be with their child from time to time. Bad behavior aside, we all just get sick of each other and need a break. Then you throw in challenging times, and it makes it seem even worse.
ReplyDeleteSomething that my girlfriends and I have talked a lot about lately is that we are all given what we can handle, whether we think we can or not. One of my bff's has a VERY challenging little one. But we know that she was chosen to be his mother because she can handle him. I, however, would have lost my mind by now. YOU were chosen for a reason. YOU have the skills, love, patience, and talents to handle this, and all situations. YOU can do it!
You are an amazing Mama for still pushing forward on the hard days.
ReplyDeleteCourtney at http://www.storinguptreasures.com/ has adopted like a gajillion kids and has gone through some real valleys in parenting hurting children. Her experience is inspiring but also very real. I hope it is an encouragement to you.
Yes, both you and David are going through difficult seasons. It will pass and even during the hardest, coldest of seasons of our life, we can still sow and often times, what we sow is so much sweeter because we really had to rely on God to get through it. I know you are an awesome mama, you were made specifically to be David's mama. I am praying for you!
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