Whatever My Lot

Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul

-Horatio Spafford

Two years this March I discovered I was pregnant.  It came as a complete shock to my husband and I.  It's not like we were trying, but we certainly weren't doing anything to prevent it.

You see, about a year after we got married we began actively pursuing a pregnancy, if you know what I mean.  Nothing happened.  For 5 years.  Until March 2009.

We were caught off guard by the news because we had been preoccuppied with our first baby.  David was a foster child that had been with us a year.  Since then we have been blessed to become his adoptive parents, but at the time, we were neck deep in the parenting thing for the first time.

Once the shock wore off we were more than thrilled.  It was what we had wanted for so long.  Not only were we enjoying being parents to David, less than 18 months old, we were looking forward to expanding our family with a biological child.  

In 10 short weeks I had to endure the routine blood tests and exams, but also (WARNING: TMI ALERT!) two transvaginal ultrasounds.  The normal type of ultrasounds that happen in the OBGYN's office weren't doing the trick.  Nope.  I had to make a special trip to a lab with a referral from my doc.  They were looking for something.  A heartbeat.  Something normal.  Something abnormal.  Something.

It was 10 weeks.  The lab results were in.  There was a fetus, but it wasn't viable.  The baby I wanted so badly was gone.  Because I had gotten my second ultrasound on a  Friday afternoon, my doc had the results rushed and he was kind enough to call me at home after hours to tell me the news.  

I never sobbed so hard.  I never hurt so much.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.

After 2 years I still hurt sometimes.  But what I know is that my God is good and He has blessed me abundantly:  I have my husband, my son, and my Savior who has redeemed me and made me whole.  I rest in the peace, strength, and grace of God to sustain me in my times of heartbreak.  For whatever my lot, it is well with my soul. 

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

"Blessed Be Your Name" - Matt Redman