Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hurt. Hurting.

I have no words.

Correction, I have lots of words, but there are so many and they are flying around so furiously in my head that I cannot put them together.  I feel like I'm running around with a butterfly net trying to catch these words to put them into some kind of intelligble order so I can tell my story.  The only thing I can muster the sense to say is that I am heartbroken.  Heart.  Broken.  Hurt.  Hurting.

I'm so hurt that I want to throw up.  My head feels like exploding.  My heart is as heavy as a pile of bricks.  My hands are shaking.  My eyes sting with the remains of dried tears.  Even days after I am still reeling.

How can someone say such awful things?  Such hurtful things.  Say such things with no regard, with no empathy, with no consequence.  How does one say things in the name of trying to get your attention?  Since when did getting someone's attention make horrible accusations excusable?  Things were said that no mother (or father) wants to hear.  That no mother (or father) should have to hear. 

Why did you even adopt your child?  Such words I cannot fathom someone saying with any sincerity.  Or at all.  I liken this comment to saying Why didn't you just get an abortion?

You don't invest in your child.  Such judgement I don't believe I deserve.  Such judgement I hope I have never and will never condemn upon someone. 

I have nothing to say except that I am hurt.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words have hurt me more.
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1 comment:

  1. Lauren - This may be none of my business but as a relative of your son, David, I must speak. Having a child does not make you a parent any more than having a piano in your house makes you a pianist.

    Is it overly idealistic of me to believe that if a) you know how to help your child be more successful/happy/healthy and b) you have the resources and time to provide that help that you will act in the best interest of you own child?

    We (everyone that reads this blog) watch as you go to craft fairs, Disneyland, blog conventions, Pei Wei, and Coach outlet stores. We watch your husband (my brother!) go to shooting competitions. We also see cute, funny, and adorable photos of your family.

    I, however, see what goes on beyond the blog. Your son needs help. The kind of crying-screaming-hitting-gasping-for-breath kind of help. It makes me sad to see two education and well-off adults make ignorant and lazy decisions when it comes to their own child.

    I know exactly who you are referring to in this blog entry. And when you write "Why did you even adopt your child? Such words I cannot fathom someone saying with any sincerity. Or at all. I liken this comment to saying Why didn't you just get an abortion?" I want to cry.

    Do your son a favor: get him some help and while your at it get some counseling for yourself (God is NOT going to fix this). Stop the weekend trips. Stop the gun competitions. Stop casting yourself in the role of the victim and be the only mother this kid is ever going to have.